Memory Lane

#rewind

I watched my fair share of romantic films with my older cousins. I also learnt a tonne from my cousins. Through their experiences, heartbreaks and making it to the altar shaped my perspective on what a relationship should be. And through my lens, I thought surely, because I had this knowledge, they helped me move forward and end up on the same path. It was far from that.

2004

I briefly dated my neighbour's cousin. He was a friendly guy but such a try-hard. A common trait to have as a teenager. We talked a lot on the phone and sent many messages on the weekends, between netball, Sunday school, church and family lunch. At the time, I liked the idea of a boyfriend and thought he was cute enough. I didn't realise there was no spark, and we barely had anything in common. We met up at Martin's house party. There were at least 30 people there. Most were drunk, and the rest were getting high. Just another typical house party that we had to gather for. Everyone from the netball girls, the popular girls, the rugby squad and the in-betweeners were there. I sat with my friends, talking and smoking our little cigarettes. It was a full moon that night, and everyone was in a good mood. No fights, no couples arguing, and nobody's sick yet. He asked me to go for a walk. We walked along the road, headed towards the park and circled back to the party. He acted weird and constantly looked around as if waiting for someone to appear. He looked around to see if any of the guys were watching us walk together. We returned to the house party and went our separate ways for the night. The following week after school, he unexpectedly visited while my friends and I were hanging out at the park opposite our high school. I was surprised. I hugged him awkwardly, and we talked for a bit, and then he left. At this point, I realised I didn't like him as much as he liked me. But I had to keep trying until we agreed to meet that Saturday night. He rolls up with his older brother, and I get into the car with my friend. We go cruising and everyone is drinking. Except I noticed the driver is acting a bit weird. I think he was high. The stars were out and it was such a beautiful night. He's beside me, trying to get comfy and holds my hand. I felt myself trying to be subtle, moving, immediately pulled away, away from him to create space and distance. He noticed this and asked if I was ok. I pretended everything was fine. And then he leans forward and kisses me. I immediately pulled away and said, "I can't do this". And I got out of the car and walked away. He came after me and asked what was going on. I told him I didn't think I could date him anymore because I didn't feel for him the way he felt about me. I saw the sadness blanket his face while he was trying to project a tough expression. I hugged him and said I would walk home as I wanted to be alone. I felt so bad but also so relieved that I no longer had to keep up the lie.

Two weeks later, he was dating my friend and then another friend. We remained friends until we stopped running in the same crowd. He's now on wife and baby mama number 2.

2005

The year of my first heartbreak, many mistakes and coming between friends.

It's so warm and my backpack is heavy from my textbooks. I need to walk faster to make it to the rugby game on time. The game is held at the high school where the girls aren't fond of the girls from my school. I stopped in front of the gymnasium to straighten up my uniform to make sure I didn't look scruffy and that my skirt was at a decent length so I wouldn't cop any death stares from those girls. We walk up onto the sideline where all the supporters are cheering, screaming and watching on as the game is in full force. And there he appeared. The most beautiful, handsome, tall and angelic-looking guy I've ever seen. His curls were soft and short. He had a soft baby face with cute features. He looks at me and smiles and my heart is beating so fast. Did he just glance at me and smile? I was shooketh! I nudged my friend and asked her who the tall guy was and if she was friends with him because I'd never seen anyone quite like him. She says his name is, Tom. I had so many butterflies and was experiencing my first high school crush. It was so innocent and wholesome. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I knew I had to get noticed but I wasn't sure if he had a girlfriend. Turns out he did. That didn't stop me from plotting away in my brain how cute Tom and I would look together in the future when I got my chance. From here on, I couldn't get him out of my head. I wanted my chance so bad and asked my friend to inform me immediately the minute he broke up with his girlfriend. It was a good thing we didn't go to the same high school otherwise I wouldn't be able to focus at all! 3 months fly by and he's still with her. And here is where one of his close friends, Nathan, enters my life.

Nathan

We met with our friends at the local park after school, and I noticed him. He's tall, has fair skin and a great athletic build. He seems to blend in well with the crowd and dresses so nicely. He approaches me, and we talk about school, and he's doing that stupid thing, where he's looking around at his friends, trying to look cool. I'm trying to refrain from rolling my eyes at this and continue with our conversation. Before I knew it, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. I knew this was a bad move, but I was attracted to him and thought, why not? I'm still waiting for my chance with Tom.

Nathan visits me the next day after school. We meet up again at the park and talk for a bit and then he holds my hand. I'm feeling nervous and excited. He asks to go for a walk so we start walking around the park. Before I know it, we're kissing. He's moving pretty fast and kissing me with so much passion. I felt a bit weird because I was in my school uniform and paranoid that someone from school might catch us. After 15 minutes, we stopped and continued our conversation. My mind wandered off to Tom, wondering what he would think if he knew about this. He knew I had the biggest crush on him and I was not ashamed of it. Meanwhile, Nathan is hugging me and expressing his feelings. We walk back to the main side of the park, and I run into some of the annoying school rugby team guys. Unfortunately, one of the guys knows my new boyfriend, and we have one class together. He looks disappointed as if I shouldn't be with Nathan. And then Nathan starts acting up, acting all cool and slick as if he was just a little side chick. I kissed Nathan bye and walked home. I had to rush back before my Dad got home from work and start on my homework. My Dad drove past the park every day after work. The sight of that red car was my queue to get my ass home!

Tom

One week passes by, and I'm still with Nathan. Then, my chance with Tom appears with open arms! Nathan's head is on the chopping block, and off I run into the arms of my crush. I was over the moon, and my heart was beaming with excitement and cheerfulness. I finally got the guy I had dreamed about since I first saw him at the rugby game. We were officially a couple, and I was so proud of it. I didn't stop to consider how Nathan felt about the sudden end of such a short-lived relationship. But I didn't care. Everything was now about Tom and I. He was so sweet to me and caring. He loved holding my hand and hugging me. He would always compliment me on how soft my hands were, even though they were always cold because it was now the middle of winter. He never hesitated to visit me after school. It was my new routine, and I always looked forward to it. Sitting on the park bench waiting for him with my friends, I was nervous, anxious and excited. Waiting to see when he will emerge into the park. One late afternoon, he visits, and the weather is very cold, and it's been raining most of the day. He greets me with a kiss on the cheek, and we sit down side by side and hold hands.

Talking about how the day was at school and the plans for the weekend. We were both committed to our sports. He played rugby, and I played netball. He asked me to go for a walk, and I agreed. In the back of my mind, I'm wondering what I tell my Dad because I have no idea where we're going. We walked until we reached the shops, and we were both feeling a bit peckish. He purchased a packet of biscuits, and we munch on them as we continued to walk. I'm not a 15-minute walk from home, and we're heading even further out. Any potential trouble I could face from my Dad strolled to the back of my mind. All my focus was on Tom. He was so gentle and kind-hearted. I felt so head over heels for him. It's now starting to rain, and I have no jacket. We ran into a park for shelter. I'm now a 10-minute drive from home. Tom and I embrace each other, and the rain has drenched his curls and my ponytail. We didn't care. We just stood in the park, in the rain, hugging each other. He pulls back, looks into my eyes, and kisses me. I felt so warm and safe. I was exactly where I was meant to be.

Tom's upset. I'm trying to comfort him. I said incorrectly, "I will pray for you and your family". He walks away from me and responds, "Why do you drink alcohol tonight, and you're going to church tomorrow?". I was shocked at his question and didn't know where this was coming from. He had a point, and I had no way of justifying the beer in my hand. I hugged him and tried my best to heal his broken heart. He lost his Grandmother and seemed so distant that night. He was trying to be happy, but I could see the tears in his eyes. He tried to hide it from me.

Sitting in English class, I was barely focused and daydreaming out the window. Thinking about Tom and his sorrow that I couldn't seem to fix. We continued to message every chance we could get. I'm still on cloud 9. It's a bad netball game. My team lost. Tom's team won their game. I got a message from our mutual friend Jack saying that Tom would no longer date me. I felt my heart sink to the floor. I read the message over and over again, hoping the words would change. But they didn't it. Tom and I were officially over, and I didn't know why. I responded quickly to the message, hands shaking, mouth trembling. I could barely see what I was typing because my eyes were filled with tears. Tom wanted to focus on rugby and school and felt he couldn't balance a relationship with everything he had going on. I was dumbfounded and felt so low. I missed my friend's party and replied to no more messages. I flicked open the CD folder, chose the slow jams CD and played it repeatedly on my stereo. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day, I went to Sunday school and got through the day fine. That night, I cried again.

Travis

Two weeks on, and my heart still feels broken. I still don't understand how Tom could ditch our relationship like this. I did not see this coming. Everything was going well, and I knew we had strong feelings for each other. It didn't make sense. I pick up my phone to see so many messages. One is from Travis asking if I'm doing ok. He's Tom's best friend. I poured my heart out to Travis, telling him how sad I was and how much I missed Tom. He said Tom was feeling sad too and that everything would be okay one day soon. I couldn't fathom how long it would take for my heart to heal. I didn't want anyone else but Tom.

Two months on, and it's Saturday night. Everyone's meeting outside the library to hang out. I just finished netball, and I'm relaxing, thinking about how to get out of the house. My Dad didn't want anyone going anywhere that night, but I had to be there. I lied and said I was sleeping at my friends house and would return in the morning for church. He let me go. I was walking to meet the gang at the library. As I get closer, I can see there are more people than expected and only two familiar faces. It's Tom and Travis. And a floozy hanging off Tom. I'm shocked and angry. But I had to hide my feelings. I said hello to Tom, and he seemed drunk. He's acting like a damn fool and running around crazy. I'm checking out the broad he's with; she is far from pretty. She has the same proud face I wore months ago when hanging off Tom's arm. Why was he with her when he broke my heart? I snatched the cheap wine off Travis and began drinking it fast. I was ready to get drunk and have fun. Travis is staying by my side the whole night and talking with me. Reminding me to forget about Tom because he's drunk and has moved on. I lied and said I don't care about Tom. We all laugh and walk around, passing cigarettes and bottles. I can feel my face is really warm, and the alcohol is hitting me now. I'm feeling happy and free.

I'm stumbling a bit and laughing alongside Travis. We're mocking the others, and everyone is having a great time. Travis and I walk away from the group and end up down a long driveway with many rocks. Suddenly, Travis grabs me and starts kissing me all over my face. My eyes are wide open with shock, and before I know it, I'm kissing him back and not holding back. We're moving around on the driveway and can't keep our hands off each other. After 5 minutes, I snapped out of it and pushed him away. "What are we doing? What are you doing? We can't do this! You are Tom's best friend, and you have a girlfriend". Travis expresses his feelings for me, and it's too overwhelming for me. At that point, I wished things were back to normal, and I was back with Tom. I left the crowd and walked home with Travis trailing after me, pleading to consider him as my next boyfriend. I couldn't look back at him. I just wanted to get home and sleep. I knew I had made a mistake. The next day, I texted Travis that we made a mistake and that he needed to forget about what happened. Travis is persistent and says he will leave his girlfriend. I don't want this happening. I don't want Travis. I want Tom back!

One week passes, and Travis tells me he's broken up with Anna. I thought to myself, what is wrong with this guy? We continued messaging back and forth, and Sunday night arrived. He wants to meet up and talk. I'm worried because we have school the next day, and I have never sneaked out on a Sunday night. I waited for my Dad and siblings to fall asleep. I sent Travis a message letting him know that the coast was clear. I sneak out through the backdoor, I go and over the fence. I'm so nervous but excited. As I walk towards the park, I see Travis walking towards me. We walk until we meet and hug each other. He grabbed my hand and led me on a little walk. We sat on a park bench and talked briefly before he started kissing me. The sky is filled with beautiful stars, and it's a nice warm summer night. We then walked over to the skate park and sat at the top of the skate bowl looking up at the beautiful night sky. I felt so many butterflies inside and yet my nerves were also slowly fading away. He pulled me closer and we talked and laughed for about an hour. We decided to go on a walk. Before I know it he pushes me against the wall and asked if he could kiss me and now we're making out. It was just innocent summer fun. I could feel so much passion between us and I stopped him before things went further. I know that we're both virgins and I don't want to explore unfamiliar territory even though I could feel things were heating up so much. I went to bed so happy that night and felt like Travis pushing through fast into my life was what I needed to get over Tom. And it worked! We're now dating and officially boyfriend and girlfriend. News starts to spread about our new relationship thanks to Travis. I was still concerned about Tom's reaction but Travis said not to worry and that he would talk to Tom. As the weeks go by, Travis and I grow more and more infatuated with each other. Outside of our relationship, I am wrapping up school exams and sports. We're nearing Christmas and Travis drops a bomb on me that he's going away for 6 weeks with his family overseas. I am devastated as I thought we would be hanging out together over summer. By the time he returns, we will only be on holiday break for a few weeks then back to school. During this time, there was no such thing as video calling and I knew we wouldn't be able to keep in contact while he's away. It was very bitter sweet saying farewell but it was the start of the end for Travis and I.

You see while Travis is away, he claims he got too drunk and was seduced by mermaid bushwhack on the island and things escalated from there. I was heartbroken when he told me this over text and then we decided it was best to part ways. He was very apologetic and I was in shock and in need of time to process all of this. It's both our final year in high school and I had the worst news to start the school year with. I asked him to not contact me while I process the news and he agreed. However a few weeks later he decides it's the right time to tell me about his new love interest, Jamie. I was livid. How did he move on so fast?! I made sure to express my distaste for how eager he was to break things off with me and then rush off to the next girl! Luckily for him, Jamie was an absolute gem, such a lovely girl. Her and I were always polite to each other when we saw each other at Netball. As for Travis, well, he dropped out of school and fast forward to 2025, we're friends on Facebook and I randomly see his life updates with his new partner who isn't Jamie, and they share a whole bunch of children's, some he hasn't fathered while sporting that Dad bod and hairline running back to 2005 when he cheated on me!

The first experience of Toxic

I'm deep in my final year of high school and enjoying it. Things feel different now. I am older and skating closer to turning 18 and excited about the adult life ahead, especially the freedom! My Dad was still very strict but was loosening the chains a bit and letting us hang with our friends more on the weekends. We just watched a big rugby game at school on this warm Saturday evening. So many people came out for this game. There's so much excitement, buzz and pressure for the game. Post game, my friends and I tag along with their boyfriends to the fish and chip shop to get a feed. We jump into one of the guys car and go for a cruise. The driver is over 18 and we're all 16-18. I thought, why is this older guy hanging out with us? Turns out he couldn't speak English much and was fresh off a flight from Tonga. He was trying to make a move because my friends donkey boyfriend thought I would be interested in him-I wasn't. We parked up at a local park and hung out there for a few hours. Screeching around the corner comes Isaiah in his new car. He pulls up next to us to show off his new wheels to the gang of ponies we're hanging out with. I'm sitting there eye rolling at how obnoxious Isaiah is. We've never spoken but we're familiar with each other and have a lot of mutual friends. As I'm sitting there waiting for everyone to be done admiring his car, he yells out to me "Hey, can you drive stick?". I responded with "Why" and he replied "Oh, why don't you come drive my stick" and everyone laughed. He threw his head back laughing and looking at me as if that was impressive. Now, I had to have the last laugh and yelled back "Oh, I only drive big sticks, not twigs". And everyone roared with laughter. I knew I won. I then asked my friend to take me home. She wasn't ready to go home so I walked home. I was at least a 45 minute walk from home but I was determined to get away from these pea sized brain athletes. As I was walking home, I received a text, it was Isaiah. He asked if I was ok and if I wanted a ride home, I told him no I was fine. After church the next day, Isaiah texts me again asking how the day was and we start exchanging messages over the next few hours. At the time, it was free text weekends that went from Friday midnight to Sunday midnight. I can see it's coming close to Sunday midnight and the banter was getting really good. I tell Isaiah I need to sleep for school the next day and then he asked for my home phone number. I gave it and then he called. I was shocked, shy and taken aback. We talked on the phone for a few hours. After I hung up, I was shocked how well we got along and thought he wasn't as obnoxious as I had initially thought. I could feel little butterflies but now looking back, I think they were more like mosquitoes. Because BOY did I learn the hard way with Isaiah. He took dragged my emotions, self worth and feelings through the mud, paradise and back. He was cheating, he was lying, and yet I was falling and falling more for him. If I questioned his whereabouts and stories that weren't adding up, he would threaten to leave me and I would beg him not to hurt me. I felt trapped. He had a power over me. I didn't know what it was at the time. I was naive and knew I was in too deep. I know he knew his power over me. I thought we were meant to be because of how much I had fallen for him but it was just his toxic ways of dragging me down with him. Isaiah was older than me and steered me away from school and I regret allowing myself to be so influenced by him. We would fight when we both had too much to drink. He never hit me but he made me feel so much anger that I knew I was becoming so distant from myself and I couldn't stop. It took me cheating on him and his friend calling me a bitch to make me finally wake up and break free from him. I went cold turkey no contact for one month. In that one month, I cried and felt my heart rip apart so much and slowly start to heal. We decided to meet and talk things through, this only validated my decision on why I had cut him off. He was such a prick during the entire conversation acting like I meant nothing to him. This shattered my heart all over again but felt so much worse. It took me months to completely forget about him. He asked our mutual friend about how I am doing 12 months ago. My friend and I laughed reminiscing about my relationship with him. I didn't realise that this heartbreak, was something I then carried forward for many years. He's buried in my past where he belongs and now as an adult, I see where I went wrong, where I lacked any experience on identifying the red flags from day one.