Pineapple Head

#ICK

2011-2012

We're on holiday in the motherland, Samoa, with my family. I was the last to arrive, and the party was underway for my Uncle's birthday. Everyone is having a great time. The alcohol is flowing, and the music is pumping. The party is a vibe. I see Patrick across the room, and he won't stop staring. He walked up to me, and I said hello. We talked briefly and then moved to the porch to chill and talk with the others. As the drinks keep coming, the jet lag sets in for me. I'm starting to feel the sleep creep up on me, but I'm not ready for bed. I'm enjoying the party too much. A few more hours go by, and the party starts to settle down. Everyone is going to bed, one by one. It's time for me to sleep. One last glance at Patrick's cute face and smile.

Dinner was lovely with my family. We relax on the porch, and Patrick grabs a guitar and begins singing and playing. I'm amazed at how nice his singing voice is and his guitar skills. Seeing this made me more attracted to him. We're all singing along and having a good time. As he plays the guitar, he keeps staring at me and smiling. I get shy and look at my phone to distract me and to break eye contact. It was becoming too intense for me. For the next few days, we chat more and more. Nothing serious. Just a lot of casual small talk and innocent flirting. My short trip is over. It's time to return to work.

One year later, I'm back on the porch at the family house, relaxing with my cousins and soaking up the Samoa humidity. Patrick comes over to visit, and we sit together and catch up. He asks what I've been up to and how my family is. His eyes are smiling. His smile is making the butterflies in my stomach buzz around more. (The bones in my fingers began to crack as I typed that last sentence). Everyone has decided to move to the back of the house to inhale some healthy greens. At this point, everyone is breaking off into smaller groups and pairs. Patrick's asked me if I wanted to leave the group to have a cigarette and chat. I agreed. I was nervous and shy. But also wanted to see what he might say as I could sense he had something to get off his chest. As we stood far away from the house, he became more flirtatious. I can feel my cheeks turning red and burning from my nerves. This was exciting, but I was also a bit paranoid that someone could interrupt me at that moment. I could see him moving closer towards me. I can see him staring at my lips. I started to fidget with my hands and kept looking around. I could sense he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him. Out of nowhere, Daniel pops up and frightens me. He seemed suspicious of Patrick's intentions, and I played it off like no moment had happened. The butterflies were gone. I needed to go to bed. The rest of the trip was more flirty conversations and intense staring. It was clear to me Patrick had feelings for me. I didn't know how to react every time I would see him. So, I would try to be as neutral as beige. It was time to pack and say goodbyes. I could see Patrick coming up in the line to hug me goodbye. He was next to my cousin. It's Patrick's turn. He looked at me with sadness, and this gaze confused me. He asked to keep in contact and hopes I return soon. When he hugged me, I felt happy to hug him and wanted to close my eyes and fully embrace him. However, 1000 relative eyes were observing, and I was not trying to get into trouble over a little hug. I wanted to return home in one piece.

2013

Grandpa left for Heaven and wasn't coming back. I'm crying on the flight and wondering how hard the next week will be mourning and the lack of sleep from being so busy with the funeral preparations. We get picked up from the airport in Samoa, and I've asked to stop at the liquor store. I don't want to hear any sermons. June was off to a bad start, and I just need a drink to numb the pain. As we sat there and drank, I started to feel relaxed. The tension was slipping off my shoulders. Patrick appears. He walks straight towards me and gives me a big hug. He asked if I was okay and shared his condolences. I'm happy to see his face. I can see he's sad for me. I try to smile. We talked for a bit and he's sitting close to me until we call it a night and turn in.

Christmas has arrived. I've decided to take a detour to Samoa on my holiday to catch up with family who are there at the same time. I jumped in the back of the truck and we're cruising through the town to get some dinner and beers. After a whole day in the sun and swimming, we're ready for a good drink and debrief of the week. Patrick arrives, the night begins, and the liquor is working its magic. The night is going great so far. There are so many people having fun, and I can see Patrick moving closer to my seat. We chatted a bit throughout the night, and then he asked for my number. We exchanged details, and he started messaging me while we were at the drinks. I thought that was a bit weird, but I went along with it and didn't pay much attention to him. He keeps smiling at me with those eyes. I'm trying not to blush, but I can't help it. I don't want to be obvious to him or anyone else. He tells me he hopes we stay in contact and that I will not forget about him. I thought that was so cute. As I arrive at our friends wedding, we continue to message. He says it was good to catch up and that he hopes to see me again soon. I'm busy at the wedding and not really paying attention to the messages until the conversation changes.

Me: Are you up to much on the weekend? Yea, it was good to catch up with everyone. Hopefully we all reunite again real soon.

Patrick: You know I think you're so beautiful and I like you.

I left it at that. I didn't know what to respond with. I chose to ignore it and didn't respond #leftonseen

2018

I received a friend request on Facebook. I see it's Patrick. I'm surprised and accept his request. He messaged straight away and asked how I've been. We message for quite a bit, and it's the usual back-and-forth smart ass banter we normally get into. It goes like this for the next few weeks. We start messaging almost every single day. I can tell he has a lot of feelings for me. But why now? I'm not sure why I keep messaging him. I know for sure that I'm attracted to him. He keeps asking why I ignored him the last time he messaged years ago. I play it off as if I don't know what he's talking about. I felt bad that I didn't respond to his message. The more we message, I can tell feelings on both sides are growing but nobody is saying anything. He is always flirting and I resist it every time and ignore it. He just laughs every single time. I know exactly what he is trying to do but until he actually says he has feelings, I will keep being a friendly robot. Nobody can seem as oblivious as I and it's all an act to shield my feelings until I know for sure, what I'm dealing with. It's a normal routine, I wake up to his good morning message and we send a few messages throughout the day and then, the goodnight message. It's a cycle for weeks. And then, it suddenly stops. He doesn't reply. He hasn't even read my message. Before I know it, weeks go by and nothing. Was he trying to give me a taste of my own medicine? Did I say something wrong? I go back and read over our messages and can't seem to spot where things went wrong or why he would've just stopped messaging me. My close friend at work is telling me to ditch his ass and move on. There was some truth to her advice, but still, I was hanging onto something that I didn't get to explore, and it bugged me. I had no choice but to move forward.

2020-2022

It's the same old Merry Christmas and Happy New Year messages, along with his annual "Come and get married here" or the "When are you coming back? You should be here so we can hang out" messages. Every time I get these messages, I chuckle and blush a tiny bit.

2023

A mutual friend has given birth to twins. Patrick posted on Facebook to announce his joy for them. I responded and teased that I thought he was announcing his children. We laugh and go back and forth with the mocks. I knew he wasn't married and had no children at this point. I had to take a little stab and get a laugh out of it. Even though I was in the same boat - but he doesn't know that. He asked how I've been and how the family was doing. The usual small talk bullshit we all do nowadays over messaging. We messaged for a bit, and I left it at that and stopped replying. I'm away for the weekend a few days later to visit my best friend. We have an awesome Saturday night and head home to have pizza and relax after the concert. The next morning, I woke up and checked my phone. There are messages from Patrick, received at 3 am.

Patrick: Here's my number. Add me on snap

Patrick: Come visit me please haha

Me: Haha hey Patrick lol were you out last night? lol

Patrick: And if I was? Haha Come visit me for xmas lol

Me: Yea I knew you were out lol yup cool will add you cause I'm a nice person haha

And right here, I board the roller coaster of bad decisions without strapping in...

We're messaging every single day. And as much as we can. He is flirting a lot, and things get more intense as the weeks go by. He's trying to be subtle. I am trying to keep things very surface level but it's getting a little tricky. The timing of all this is so bad as I am dating Mark and trying to work things out with that situation. Even though I know it's possibly going to end with him. I can tell Patrick is upset when I mention Mark's name. He still hasn't officially admitted he has feelings for me. He doesn't need to. I can feel it, and I can tell through his messages. It's all him with the compliments and expressing his feelings without actually saying it directly. Patrick tells me he has a girlfriend however, things are not working out. He wants to end it with her. I'm not phased by it because I am focused on Mark, and we're only messaging. Two weeks before Christmas, Patrick said he needed to tell me something and, asked if I would hate him after he came clean. I responded with no, I won't judge, tell me. He proceeded to tell me that he has always had feelings for me since the first time we met over ten years prior, and that although we've been in and out of each other's lives over the years, I have always been in his mind but he thought I would never give someone like him a chance. And BOY did I wish I peeped that last part right there because the chance that never came for him and I, was the sign itself! And what did I then do? I allowed things to progress with Patrick. More texts and calls and now my feelings were growing for him. I knew he was still with her. And even after he admitted it, I had already run over the line in the sand. Every day I looked forward to talking and messaging Patrick. And every day, the lines were becoming more blurred. And then I start noticing, this guy is always getting drunk and partying with his boys. Does he not have a job like he said he did? For someone who always says he's so devoted to his church and leadership within the church community, he sure does party a lot. Like, yeah, nothing wrong with that however his messaging is a bit of a contradiction. It's coming up to New Years Day, I am getting things ready to head home to NZ to spend time with my family. Things are so intense with Patrick and I. He is constantly messaging me. So much love bombing. But I was into it because I thought maybe he's going to save me from all these headaches of online dating. Once I land in NZ, I am so happy to be with my family and friends. It was going to be a fun packed summer! New Years Eve arrives, we've decided to have a quiet one at my cousins meanwhile Patrick is nagging me for time together. I am hesitating because I am unsure how I am really feeling off the back off all this uncertainty with Mark and I. I still hadn't, at this point, cut things off with Mark. I was still trying to salvage the crumbs left by Mark in my life.

2024

The night before Patrick and I hang out for the first time in years, he unloads on me with essays expressing his feelings and love for me. Love? Yes, he said the L word. And here I am, new year, fresh start, and still haven't used the L word on any guy in my life. And here Patrick declares his love for me. It didn't sit well with me. I wasn't sure what I was feeling because hello, Mark is still in the picture! I was respectful towards Patrick's declaration of love but I did not reciprocate. The Great Wall of China remains up and strong, standing on bidness! The night arrives, I'm ready to meet with Patrick. He picks me up and we go for a drive. We park up at his local park near his house and start chatting for hours. He starts drinking and shares some alcohol with me. I check my phone and still, no word from Mark. I don't even care anymore about Mark now because I knew deep down we're done and that I just needed to let it die or tell him to move on. But here in Patrick's passenger seat, I drank some cheap vodka to try maintain appearances and match his energy. The vibe is chill and there's a lot of laughter. In between the laughter, he keeps giving me 'the eyes'. And I am side eyeing him for doing it. Wtf is he thinking is going to happen? Because we are not doing none of what he thinks is going to happen. My gut told me not to do any of that nonsense. I stayed to my side of the car despite him flirting like his life depended on it. I could feel the liquor starting to make me fall asleep. Now it was his queue to declare his love for me in person, in the flesh, at this park that has other cars here doing the same thing we're doing. But minus the declaration of love. He asks me to look at him, I cringe inside because I hate eye contact when I'm not full in with a guy, but here I am, eye balling this drunk Patrick who's now taken his shirt off because it apparently will help him get it all off his chest. I peep the chest and there's nothing for me to drool over. That's okay, I have no 6 pack either but you don't see me sitting here in a bra trying to flex my food baby. Anyways, he starts rambling about how I make him feel and for about 5 minutes, I zone out assessing our surroundings, his chest, his face, his lips, his nails (yes, they were clean), and checking the cleanliness of his car. It did not pass my standards. Ok back to the war of love, he then asks if I would marry him! YES, marriage! I immediately let out a big laugh because in that moment, I found it funny. So funny that my head flew back and my hand slapped my thunder thigh. As my head came back to centre, he's now crying. He's upset that I could throw this back in his face. Wtf did he expect? You'd think after this I ceased all contact with him? No, I did not. The weeks continued with texting and me turning him down time and time again. Amidst the love boat, I have cut ties with Mark. My feelings are semi growing for Patrick. He is talking about relocating to me and starting a life together. It all sounds ideal and lovely but why was I not jumping at the chance of my forever love that I so longed for?! I'll tel you why, because you see, Patrick was not single. He was in fact, still with his little hulk girlfriend who no doubt would squash me in 5 seconds if she found out about this whole charade! While Patrick was love bombing me to the core, I had lodged my own private investigation enlisting the help of my cousins in Samoa to provide me with insights and to give me the full background check I needed on Patrick's history. And it did not disappoint. It was clear now why my feelings were, perhaps, grey. This guy was a full blown lover boy/cheater/lives in lala land and thinks he can have his way with women without getting caught. But I needed to face him in person again with my findings. I discovered all this while I was now back home in Australia. He had no idea what I had been up to. He was becoming possessive with my whereabouts and delayed responses.

February comes and it's time for my second trip to NZ for a family event. The day I am flying out, Patrick is becoming increasingly annoying repeatedly asking for my plans upon arrival. I haven't even reached my departure gate and he's making it out like this trip was for him. It wasn't. I had zero desire to reiterate the reason I was traveling to NZ because quite frankly, in my mind, it's none of his business and I never once said I was traveling for him, which I think was making him upset. 6 hours later, I arrive in NZ. My cousins pick me up and before I can bite into my dinner, Patrick calls asking 21 questions about my whereabouts and plans for the night and if I could come to his place because he wants to introduce me to his cousin. I told Patrick to relax and that it was almost 2 am and that I had a big day the next day with my family event. Patrick was very upset about this. He kept begging like a junkie for me to go see him. I told him, no, I can't and rushed him off the phone. This was only the beginning of the cringe river to come flowing my way this weekend. Just before I fall asleep, I am bombarded with so many sob messages about how I let him down for not visiting him and not to worry about him the rest of the weekend. I was trying to comfort him and reassure him that I was tired and that it had been a long day of work and traveling and I knew if I went to see him, I would be awake longer. I didn't get to hit the send button because the sleep blanket covered me and swept me away. But not far away enough from Patrick because the next day while at my family event, he was blowing up my phone with questions about us making plans to spend time together and then his constant mood swings throughout the day. This was so draining. I told myself, when I see him and ask him about his girlfriend situation, this will be the make or break. I knew it was too good to be true. This shit was just not adding up. The math was not mathing! Patrick really thought he had me fooled and that I would believe he had left his girlfriend. Well, we were about to find out. After my family event, I went home and changed then went to see him with a few friends. We embraced each other and he kissed me on the lips. I was shocked but didn't exactly pull away. The drinks are pouring, the night is beautiful, it's a perfect temperature. Patrick has company at his house, there are at least 6 other guys there drinking on a couch on his front lawn. This felt like some gangster music video where we're congregated on the lawn flexing out bandanna colours drinking alcohol like we own the streets. It was far from it. I was cringing inside at Patrick's ignoring me behaviour, trying to look cool in front of these guys. I was so unimpressed with the immaturity but they were giving us free alcohol. My friends and I laughed throughout the night and had fun. Patrick asked to walk away from the group to chat. We go inside the house as I need to use the bathroom. OMG, I should've used a public bathroom because this bathroom had not seen the light of day let alone a drop of Ajax or bleach. Then I remembered it was a guys house. No women lived there. They were all flatting together along with the stains and dried up bugs in the tub as I'm trying to squat and speed piss on the toilet. I had to close my eyes because when I stared at the shower that had it's on fog story, I could feel the alcohol crawling up my throat. I finished up and headed for the front door until Patrick dragged me into his bedroom.

He closed the door behind him and we began making out. It was getting intense and steamy. He pushed me down onto his bed and was trying to pull down my skirt. I kept resisting because I wanted to take things slow. I could smell all the cigarettes and beer on his breath. It was intoxicating in the moment but I was trying to make sure we don't have sex. It was far too soon and we had things to discuss. I pushed him off me and asked to pause. He then said he needed to go to the bathroom and if I could hold his phone. I held his phone and switched on the bedroom light. While I waited for him, I glanced around his bedroom to soak in the mismatched pillow cases and horrific decor. I was curious what the time was and tapped his phone to see the time, and as the light appeared on his phone to display the time, it also displays a background photo of him and the girlfriend. I felt this punch in the gut that quickly turned to a very sick feeling. I felt so disgusted in him and the rose tinted glasses and finally shattered. I was raging and waiting for him to return. The minute he walked into the bedroom and closed the door, I hurled his phone at his head but it landed on his chest instead. I started yelling asking to explain why the fuck she was on his wallpaper if they broke up? His excuse, "I forgot about that, it's just a wallpaper". I was livid! "Don't lie to me you fuck wit! I am not stupid! You are the biggest liar and I am so done with your shit. Take me home right now!". As we drove home drunk, we fought the entire way. He was fighting for his life trying to cover my eyes with more web of lies but I wasn't having any of it. I tried to jump out of the moving car because I just wanted to get the fuck away from him! I demanded he stop the car, he stopped and I said "I am giving you one last chance to be honest. If I leave out this car, we are fucken done". He says there is nothing to admit and with that, I swung open the door and exited. He continued to drive next to me but I ignored him until I reached my cousins house and he disappeared into the street noise.

The next 48 hours were absolute gut wrenching and anxiety was in overdrive! I received so many missed calls and messages on any app we were connected on. I told him to leave me alone and he would not stop. I had an afternoon nap and had a nightmare that he had rocked up to my cousins house and was trying to fight his way through the gate to get to me and I was screaming behind my family who were trying to protect me. I woke up feeling sweaty and sick from the nightmare and told my cousin about it. She assured me I was safe and that he wouldn't come near me. But he words didn't reassure me because I had such a strong feeling in my gut that this Patrick was not going to go down easy. Every time I left the house, I felt so much paranoia like I was being watched. Was it the lack of sleep or genuine fear or paranoia? On my last night, he was begging for us to meet and talk and pleading for me to answer his phone call. I ignored every single plead. I went to bed around 11 pm. I was dead asleep and at approx 12.20 am, my cousin bursts into the bedroom shaking me to wake up because Patrick was outside the house crying and pleading to speak with me. I stared deep into my cousins eyes waiting for the nightmare to end and for me to wake up. Except, I was awake and this was very real and happening right now. I immediately felt fear and anxiety in my entire body and got up to put on my sweatshirt to head outside to face Patrick. My older cousin stopped me and said to leave it to her to deal with. She refused to let me deal with him because we now realised, he's bat shit crazy and we don't know what we're dealing with. I could slightly see his figure through the glass, I know that pineapple head shape from a mile away. My cousin approached the door and politely asked him to leave and he's begging for me to show face because he wants to talk. I am rocking back and forth in fear because I have never in my life dealt with something like this. Everything in me was screaming to just get back home to Australia far far away from him. He eventually left and my cousin said his eyes were bloodshot red and it looked like he was either crying or drunk or both. I had to be at the airport in 3 hours and couldn't go back to sleep now. While I'm checking into my flight, Patrick is messaging me demanding to speak with me. I am sweating bricks now and so paranoid he is going to come to the airport. Thankfully, I didn't tell him what time I was flying out. Once I reached my departure gate, I felt safe and knew he couldn't reach me. I knew that once I was settled back home I was going to rip into him with my responses. Which is exactly what I did and as expected, Patrick was immature and then stopped replying to me. I immediately blocked him on everything. There was no apology from him about his behaviour and the lies. I was done! There was no coming back from this, ever. I was absolutely disgusted with him.

As the year went on, he tried to contact me through a relative and I politely rejected her assistance to get us together. It took me having to relive the nightmare and explain to her why I never want to speak of him ever again, for her to understand why I was so anti Patrick! Fast forward to November and Patrick is a nightmare from the past that has decided to create a new Instagram account and messages me:

Patrick: Shhhh

Me: ?

Patrick: How're you?

Me: Who's this?

Patrick: You'll prolly get mad if I tell you

Me: Why?

Patrick: Cause I'm prolly the last person you'll want to talk to

Me: Ok so who is this?

Patrick: It's me, Patrick

Me: Why are you messaging me?

Patrick: I wanted to see how you were doing but sorry if you're mad I texted. Trust all is well, take care

Me: I have nothing else to say to you that I haven't already said months ago. We're not friends or anything like that. I gave you plenty of chances to have your say and be honest and you didn't so I had to cut you off

Patrick: Ok then :(

Me: Do you have something to say now?

Patrick: Not anymore, I think it's best to just leave it as is

Menu > Block User > Select OK > User now Blocked

Moral of the story, if it didn't happen once, twice or the third time, it wasn't meant to be.